(update after I received several alarming messages. If you know me personally, I can promise this post is not about you. This person doesn’t do social media…I don’t think
DOUBLE UPDATE: Holy smokes, people. This was a post about my inability to forgive it is not about anyone at church).
I have a secret for you.
Are you ready?
Here it is: I am not perfect.
Shocking, I know.
While I do have and recognize my strengths and talents (not to brag, but I am the fastest crab-walker that I know), I do have a few downfalls.
Fine, maybe more than a few.
More like hundreds.
One) gravity. As athletic an I am, I still trip on the carpet.
Two) awkward conversation starter. It’s bad, people. So bad.
Person: Hi, Erin
Me: I’m good.
Three) details. Have you seen this Instagram post? Perfect example.
This is a big one. I understand we’re commanded to forgive. I understand that being mad at someone is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. I’ve read ALL the bible verses, and the Pinterest quotes on forgiveness, letting go, accept what you cannot change, keep calm and…
But here’s what those Pinterest quotes with the hazy trees and ocean waves in the background don’t tell you.
Forgiveness is freaking hard.
Like, super, super, super hard.
I wish I could stand in a field of tall grass with my hair blowing in the wind and toss those grievances in the air and be done with it.
But I can’t.
Recently, I was blindsided by a humiliating act from a person who I am supposed to trust. And after much soul searching I’ve realized that I am not offended.
What I am is hurt.
There is a difference.
I don’t know if this person’s acts were intentional or not.
I suspect it was a combination of being insensitive and bias.
When I’m mad or upset, I don’t like to talk about it (I can write about it, though***). I keep my mouth shut, eyes forward, and pretend it/he/she doesn’t exist (this could probably go on the list of downfalls as well). It’s a defense mechanism put in place to protect my heart from buttholes.
Wow, that could be a Pinterest quote.
Feel free to pin that.
Or put it on a shirt.
Anyway, I’ve been “burned” in the past both intentionally and unintentionally. And I’m reasonable enough to know that I’ve “burned” people both intentionally (in high school, I’m sure) and unintentionally. If a sincere apology is given, I will take it and let it go, move on, and have a good day.
But what about when the apology doesn’t come?
That, my friends, is where I struggle.
Accepting the ungiven apology.
After searching the Internet, I’ve found a recipe that’s supposed to be good for the open-ended hurt.
I’ll let you know how it turns out.
One of my other downfalls is the inability to remember to update this blog.
(***be careful when you tick off an author)